As a Stakeholder Centered Coach (SCC), I continually bump into three realities: (1) The reality of what leaders perceive they do; (2) The reality of what they actually do; and (3) The reality of what others perceive the leaders do. At the outset of the coaching engagement, there’s almost always divergence among the three realities.

For example, I’ve observed leaders conduct meetings. Afterward, I ask them what they said or did. Then I play back their actual words, tone and body language. Inevitably, they’re surprised — “Really? That’s what I said? That’s what I did? That’s the effect it had? Wow!”

Sometimes I ask others what the leader said or did. Again, frequently, they describe something different from what the leader perceived and what he or she actually said or did.

I use the three realities as a litmus test for determining the probable success of a potential coaching engagement. If the leader accepts the notion that what she perceives may be different from what she does and what others perceive she does, she probably possesses the humility and understanding necessary for a successful coaching engagement.

On the other hand, if the leader rejects the concept of the three realities and insists that what he perceives is the only reality, the likelihood of a successful coaching engagement is probably nil.

One of the beauties of SCC coaching is the Mini Survey. It measures change in stakeholders’ perception of the leader. Success is not measured by what the leader perceives or even what the leader actually does. Success comes only with positive change in how others perceive the leader. Here’s my advice to fellow SCC coaches: When discussing a potential coaching engagement, be upfront about the three realities and how the Mini Survey works. Then listen closely to your prospective coachee’s response.